Aging Author Interviewed

“Welcome again to ‘Talking to the Author.’ Today’s guest is Larry McCoy who recently celebrated his 85th birthday. Hi, Larry. You’re looking for a publisher for your latest manuscript? Tell us about this new book.”

“What new book?”

“You sent us an email a few weeks back saying you had almost finished a book you call ‘Confessions of a Hoosier Class Clown.’”

“I did? Oh, gee. I thought you wanted to talk to me about my simplistic views of the American political scene and what needs to be done.”

“No, but I do understand you spent many years working in news. Why did you do that?”

“To eat.”

“We’ve heard reports that you frequently yell at the television regardless of what is on the screen. Is that true?”

“Yes. Indeed.”

“You know, I was wondering….”

“Whoa, whoa. Cut that out. You say that again and I’ll slap you. No more ‘you knows.’ You turn on the television, and there is Aaron Boone of the Yankees saying ‘you know’ every second or third sentence. No, I don’t know Mr. Bozo Boone. The same goes for the so-called reporters on TV. You know, you know, you know. Blah blah blah.”

“Okay. Gotcha. Let’s get back to the subject at hand. Do you think your book

will interest people outside of Indiana?”
“It better or I’ll choke’em.”

“Is there any sex in this book?”

“I guess you could use it for that but a rubber doll would probably be easier and quicker and it’s easier to rinse a rubber doll than a book, no?”

“What’s your favorite part of the new book?”
“The end.”

“No, seriously. What do you want people to take away from this book?”

“That taxes are pretty damn high on Long Island, and I can use every extra cent I can get my hands on — even four or five dollars extra a month would sure help.”

“On the off chance this book would be made into a video who do you see playing the young Larry McCoy?”

“Danny DeVito.”

“Isn’t he way too old?”

“Way too what? Watch your language, you beefy punk.”

“What year did you graduate from high school?”

“Who said I graduated? I’ve been asked by the governor’s office in Indiana not to make that claim, especially at a time when they’re asking the federal government for more money for education in the state.”

“What period of your life does this book cover?”

“Periods? I don’t have periods. What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I meant….”

“Oh, you were talking about time frames. Why didn’t you say that? It begins when I’m five years old or so and ends when I’m 22, going on seven, and just got married.”

“Any chance you might write a sequel to cover the other years of your long life?”

“No. Trust me, I was a lot more interesting when I was a teenager and pestering teachers and other students than when I was downing bourbons and doing crossword puzzles on the Long Island Rail Road.”

“I understand you just turned 85.”

“You do, do you? Hey, that there might be a perfect whatchamacallit, right off the top of my head. A…a…a sonogram! Something that is the same frontwards and backwards. You do, do you? Oh, damn, not a sonogram. Give me a minute here. I got it, a Sarahdrome. No, sorry. Not a Sarahdrome a Palindrome. That’s the ticket, a Palindrome.”

“Uh, Larry. First off, I don’t think ‘palindrome’ is pronounced the same way as Sarah Palin pronounces her name. And second, ‘you do, do you?’ backwards would be ‘ouy od, od ouy.’ Not the same, not a palindrome.”

“Well, tough tomatoes. Maybe not, but in the words of one of my granddaughters, ‘that’s close enough. ‘ ”

“Back to the book. So you’re finished or very close to finishing this latest work and are now looking for a publisher. How’s that going?”

“Horrible. The words ‘speed,’ ‘hurry,’ ‘rush’ don’t exist in publishing. You read The New Yorker and they will have a blurb about one of their contributors whose latest book will be published in November of 2023. A year from this November. You can’t keep checking your email inbox every 30 seconds hoping to hear from a publisher.”

“What do you do then?”

“Pout. Have some more yogurt with way too many peanuts. Dream about the days before the bastard doctors took over, the days when if I wanted a bourbon I poured one and then another one. And life was sweet, sweet and good.”

“I read that you spent ten years in Germany. Any plans for a German translation of this book?”

“Hell no. There would have to be an English translation first, you twit.”

“I hope you find a publisher and maybe we can interview you again when the book, ‘Confessions of a Hoosier Class Clown,’ is published.”

“Absolutely. Thanks. Put me down for November 2024. And by the way, it wouldn’t hurt you to have some donuts for your guests, you hear?”

“I hear.”

(Posted October 3, 2022)

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Larry McCoy

Retired newsman, author of “Grandma Told Me to Never Believe Anything Grandpa Says” published by Covenant Books. It’s his third book. He’s yet to be sued.