HA DAY (Hearing Aid Day)

JULY 12, 2022 .

“Hey, Bert? I got the damn things. They’re in, in my ears. Hope you got a lot of room on your answering machine. Am I talking too loud? Let me know when you call back.

“When you first got yours, did it feel like the wires in both ears were touching your nostrils? I’m supposed to take notes over the next two weeks about any problems I might have. It’s neat that the red-tipped wire goes into your right ear and the blue-tipped wire goes into the left. Just like the red and blue states in politics. Do you know what happens if, just for the hell of it, you stick the red wire in the wrong ear? Does that turn you into a socialist or does it make you start looking and sounding like Ted Cruz? Oh, God.

“Can you hear me? It seems noisy as hell, and I’m all by myself in the car on a little side street with no traffic. I don’t have any control over the volume right now. That comes, I’m told, in two weeks when I have to go back. They’re going to make it so I can change the volume, make things louder or quieter, by using my iPhone. Amazing. I already use my iPhone to check on my heart monitor.

“You know what? I’ll betcha there’s some 14-year-old hot shot sitting around right now programming an iPhone to flush toilets. Smart ass. That would be something, right? Then the next step. Oh geez, I don’t even want to think about it.

“Since you got your hearing aids, is it easier for you to solve Wordle? Boy, I sure hope that’s one of the side effects. I’ve struck out two or three times in the last week. Someone at the gym says there is a dirty-word Wordle, something call PornoWordle. You ever hear of that?

“I’ve change my mind. Forget the nostrils business. I feel more like an open wine bottle with corks shoved deep into my ears. Again, let me know if I’m talking too loud. It sounds like I am. I was sucking on a cough drop a minute ago, and it sounded like someone was moving furniture around in my head.

“Did yours itch? Since I put them in I’ve wanted to scratch like crazy. The lady doctors running this place in Massapequa are pretty good at explaining things. What do you think? When I go back should I ask if they can program these babies so that any time a Republican at the gym tries to talk to me all I hear is static?

“A note in the box they gave me says the hearing aids are made in Denmark. Does this mean anytime I want a drink the only thing I’ll order is Carlsberg Beer? Better not be.

“Well, that’s…Oh, oh, I almost forgot. Our bet on this Saturday’s game against the Red Sox — was that for five bucks or 50? Better make it five, Old Friend. Irene is already yapping at me about how expensive the hearing aids were. I’m worth it, right? Damn right. See ya.”

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Larry McCoy

Retired newsman, author of “Grandma Told Me to Never Believe Anything Grandpa Says” published by Covenant Books. It’s his third book. He’s yet to be sued.