LISTEN UP

Some tips for you youngsters as I approach my 85th birthday:

— Bring croissants home from the deli or bakery only on the day the cleaning lady is due.

–Don’t opt out of receiving spam emails. They can be entertaining. Just this morning there was this on a subject line in my spam file: “Squeeze Your Buttocks Like This To Poop No Matter How Constipated You Are.” I didn’t squeeze anything nor did I open the email.

-When the rearview mirror in your car needs adjusting every two weeks, it probably means your much stronger and younger neighbor is borrowing your car late at night. So be it. Don’t say a word.

–And do not say anything when you discover, nearly every morning, that your partner has somehow dropped bits of egg or bagel or cereal or toast under your chair. Smart scientists have been studying this phenomenon for years.

-If you are fixing dinner and find the can of peas you were going to mix in with the chicken sausage has a use by “2018” date on it, there is no reason to share this information with anyone else. It might be wise though to perhaps examine other tins in your pantry, but still there’s really no reason to rush.

-It isn’t your fault when tops of prescription pills and juice bottles keep flying out of your hands, seemingly every morning. They don’t make good tops the way they used to. If I were a Republican, I would say this is yet another obvious sign of the dangers of socialism.

-Do not (I repeat, do not) throw any object at the TV when a reporter claims “40,000 people are without power.” You know the doofus means customers not people, and the number of people without power is probably much greater than 40,000.

-If someone at the gym has configured their cell phone so you hear both sides of the conversation, politely ask them to stop. If they refuse, squeeze their buttocks.

Good luck.

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Larry McCoy

Retired newsman, author of “Grandma Told Me to Never Believe Anything Grandpa Says” published by Covenant Books. It’s his third book. He’s yet to be sued.